Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by hobbles, Oct 11, 2012.
BTW...let's keep the jokes and pictures on the clean side, as ladies and some members children may be present !!
Thank You !!
Sorry, It just seemed so fitting!
Welcome to the family! This is a hilarious thread, though my fiancee doesn't think so!
Good ones havasu
It is time we turn this thread into a funny picture or joke thread. I have a crap load I'd like to add here! Whaddya say boss?
Have at it havasu...I'm sure Austin ( da Boss ) won't mind...
..............yea, I'm good !
FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 ( WASHINGTON , DC )
Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya .
Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii .
Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently,
it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does
it can sling **** for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader this November.
I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate
the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy
of the United States Constitution.
Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.
Little Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school..
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the kid.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."
"AH, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny?"
"Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two friggin' Arabs."
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the man said. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do," Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
From the AP wire:
No Nativity in Washington , D.C. this year!
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
Also, a search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough jack asses to fill the stable.
last one for now
A Warning To Our Members
I'm really embarrassed about this, but I feel such a kinship to our forum members, particularly the older men, that I must put aside my shame and warn you about a scam that appears to spreading among con artists across the country. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their tops almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is almost impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. If you agree, they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also on Sept. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, and three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.
Y'all heard about my grandmother?
She started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Now she's 97 and we don't know where she is.